“Do you think the recently fired veteran radio personality has been treated fairly?”

Chill Will

Dear Frosty Document,

The Axis of Stevil is indeed flummoxed by the firing of a fun-loving, free-spirited entertainer, who is notably notorious for his motley mouth.  The citizens of The Mushroom Kingdom are currently without legendary wrestling and radio bigwig, Rawk Hawk.  Hawk has been a devoted wrestler, and through his own rigorous exercise program, he became the youngest and longest-running champion of the Glitz Pit wrestling circuit.  Since losing his crown to The Great Gonzales in 2004, Hawk has been the host of WNUP 100.1 FM’s morning show “The Squawk Blawk”.   

Hawk’s heated language has gotten him in hot water in the past.  His pre-match commentary would certainly raise tempers.  In fact, he was fired from his first radio job for saying “thwomp” while on the air.  However, his radio show has been axed after calling the Mario Kart Star Cup silver winners “a pair of cappy-headed toads” while on the air. While these comments aren’t conventional forms of speech, The Axis of Stevil feels the punishment doesn’t fit the “crime”.  Not only have the innocent staff of Hawk’s morning show been removed, Hawk’s copious charity events have all been cancelled as well.

The truth is, a staggering majority of toads living in the Mushroom Kingdom haven’t taken offense to Hawk’s remawks, er…marks. Many of the toads we spoke with were proud of their large capped heads.  “The [Mushroom] Kingdom needs to understand that toad-extremists such as Reverend Sharpstool don’t represent the entire toad community,” says attorney/author Ted Toadbert. “Some of those that have been punished through  Sharpstool’s actions are toads themselves.  He is more concerned his own selfish agenda rather than the advancement of his people.  People like Mr. Hawk are no threat to us and while I don’t completely approve of what he said, I do know that Mr. Hawk has also done several wonderful things for our citizens.”

Despite the threat of  PC extremists, The Axis of Stevil remains vigilant in the fight for free speech.  Society wouldn’t have advanced if we didn’t test our limits.  And since The Axis of Stevil is in the business of pushing The Man’s buttons, this tragic event in the entertainment world has us watching our steps.  In the end, we think this whole debate is just to draw attention away from the Koopa University lacrosse team charges.

Cheers,
The Axis of Stevil

“What are your thoughts on the Oscar races?”

-Anita Answer

Miss Answer,

While The Axis of Stevil doesn’t typically involve itself with racial disputes, The Axis would, however, like point out a great injustice pertaining to the Academy Awards.  There is a dark world of greed and prejudice that exists within the cold, chauvinistic scowl of the golden Oscar statuette.

Everyone knows that over the years, Oscars have lost most credibility and is now viewed as a novelty item, given only to those who can afford to pay for the statue with a day’s salary.  While a good percentage of schmucks are interested in who is wearing who and how, Anita understands that films are an art form and awards should be given to those who can brilliantly convey a story or successfully deliver a thought-provoking message. Sadly, that is not the case today.  The statuettes are hoarded and then divided among representational assemblies depending on what controversial issues impact American society at the moment.

For example, last year Brokeback Mountain’s director, Ang Lee, won for Best Director.  Since the film contained openly homosexual content, the Oscar was like another victory notch in the belt for homosexual Americans.  Hollywood acknowledges a minority group for a few moments, then moves on to the other, and continues full circle.  This year’s Oscars are causing a fuss due to no Best Actor/Actress or Best Director/ nods to the obviously ebony-geared musical, Dreamgirls.  Did the Oscars intentionally short-change one of the ethnic groups?

To find out a true Oscar’s opinion, The Axis of Stevil interviewed Oscar Lanning, who is a treasurer for the Ku Klux Klan, as well as a voting, tax-paying, East Shore citizen.  Lanning agreed that the orientation of the awards ceremony has been tampered with, but doesn’t believe that any group is misrepresented.  “There’s two black coaches goin’ in the Super Bowl.” Lanning explains, “I’d take a ring over a dinky statue, any day.”

Please understand that anything Mr. Lanning chose to say does not represent our opinion in any form.  We are not the Axis of Oscar, but The Axis of Stevil, and the Axis of Stevil says:  What makes someone a Steve is that someone’s differences, which should be embraced, not exploited.  Great actors and actresses come in all colors and sizes because all great characters, fictional and non-fictional, come in all colors and sizes.

Peace,
The Axis of Stevil

If I have my name legally changed to Steven can I be part of the AXIS? (I can always take the place of "The Steve that should not be named".

-Future canidate of the axis Smith

Dear Agent Smith,

It seems you’ve got the Axis of Stevil figured out all wrong.  The Axis of Stevil isn’t a self-righteous, exclusive group of Stevens, but rather a collection of creative, aware individuals that have a strong sense of duty for the community.  We believe that the best way to bring about positive change in the world is to start locally.

The Axis of Stevil not asking anyone to conform; be it attire, attitude, or anyone’s given name. The Axis of Stevil supports those that come up with their own ideas.  An idea can snowball into something that, through teamwork, can be executed successfully.

In the end, what we’re really trying to say is be yourself. If you can do that for us, then there would be no problem in naming you Honorary Can-i-Date Smith of The Axis of Stevil.

Regards,
The Axis of Stevil

what’s the deal with all of the penguin movies?
- jenni

Dearest Gin-knee,

The following information is highly classified, as it could very well alter existence as we very well know it.   This may seem outlandish, but the recent string of motion pictures featuring penguins is no coincidence.  The three films, March of the Penguins, Happy Feet, and the upcoming Farce of the Penguins, are only the beginning of an elaborate plan, designed by an underground Hollywood society known as The 12 Penguins.  Each year, from 2005 to 2017, there will be a film released featuring penguin protagonists.  Year by year, film by film, The 12 Penguins will slowly choke what little life Hollywood has left.  After the release of 2017’s horror House of Penguins, in which 2011 Best Support Actress Oscar winner, Paris Hilton, reprises her role of from 2005’s House of Wax.  The film makes a lousy $24,560 in box office sales and officially marks the end of Hollywood, as well as the American Dream.  Tinsel Town is left in shambles, never to be revived.

Jenni, Jenni, what can you do?  Take confidence in knowing that the ever-vigilant Axis of Stevil has all ready developed a solution, with the help of a loyal associate.  Until then, The Axis of Stevil’s fight to keep scripts entertaining, and original, will continue to wage, in the present and future.

Regards,
The Axis of Stevil

Are stingrays becoming more violent?
- not signed

Dear _____________,

Before we begin, The Axis of Stevil would like the reader to know that this particular subject has most certainly been the weight tied to our waist for the past few months.  We remain serious and aware of the stingray threat.  We were deeply saddened by the loss of, possibly, the greatest pioneer of Stevilization in the twentieth century, Steve Irwin. Despite a few human-on-ray attacks, Sir Irwin’s message of peace spread even further into the world.  I believe 80’s glam metal sensation, Cinderella, puts it best: “Don’t know what you got ‘til it’s gone.”

Yes, concerned Stevilian, stingrays are indeed becoming increasingly violent.  As always, The Axis of Stevil’s bona fide team of marine biologists, apply named the Association of Stingray Scientists and Educated Society, quickly reacted to this recent hostile behavior by pressing buttons and pulling levers. The A.S.S.E.S. facilities are located directly beneath Shamu #11’s prison tank in Sea World in charming Orlando, Florida. There, they conducted many tests with rays that had human interaction with rays that have never encountered humans.  The rays that had been around humans proved to be “much more belligerent than their more natural counterparts.”  After hours of meticulous debate and Soul Calibur III, the A.S.S.E.S. concluded that the anger-inducing culprit was, in fact, something they called “karma”.

The Axis of Stevil understands that karma isn’t always as delicious as it sounds.  Before humans question the actions of stingrays, perhaps we should begin to analyze our own behavior.

Regards,
The Axis of Stevil

what’s the *explicative* deal with the yankees?!
- P’ed-off New Yorker

Dear Brother of the Bronx,

The Deal with the Yankees is the very reason you should be “P’ed” off.  You see, in 1764, a year before The Sons of Liberty formed in the North American colonies, there was a family of farmers that made their living in New York.  While New York’s top exports today are oil, gold, and aluminum , the state was known for its extremely large fruits and vegetables during the pre-Revolutionary War period. One particular French immigrant farmer, Raul Pevere (Peh-vair), began a farmers union, The Legume Legion, after King George III began to raise land taxes.  Pevere, and other New Yorkian farmers, revolted by stopping all shipments of fresh green vegetables to Great Britain.  Three months had passed when King George III wrote a letter asking that Pevere sail across the Atlantic to personally deliver 10,000 bushels of green peas.  In return, the King promised to pay five times the price of the peas, in order to bury the hatchet with The Legume Legion.  Pevere happily agreed, and sailed to Great Britain.  However, the welcome was cut short when the King’s soldiers tied Pevere to his ship’s mast and dumped the cargo, leaving poor Pevere buried in a profusion of peas.  The ship was sent back to the colonies as a threat to the fate of those who defied the King of Britain.  This event coined the phrase “Pea-ed Off” and created a domino effect that lead to the independence of the United States of America.

It should also be noted that Pevere’s farming secrets were passed down from generation to generation.  Pevere’s great great nephew began the Christian farmers guild known today as the Jesus Ranch.

Regards,
The Axis of Stevil

Is it just me, or is Cap’n’ Crunch cereal a lot softer than it used to be?

- Nicole

Dear Nick Hole,

No, Nicole, you’re not going soft, but it’s true that Cap’n Crunch has.  The Axis of Stevil reminisces of the joy brought from sugar-saturated breakfast cereals, and while the crunch berries were usually a crowd pleaser, the original Cap’n Crunch just couldn’t cut it with the kids, no pun intended. 

The Axis of Stevil has foraged through the Archive of Food to find a box of Cap’n Crunch circa 1976 in order to compare it to one from today.  Miss Benson’s 3rd grade class from West East Shore Elementary was chosen, at random, to be our test subjects.  First, the class was given a bowl of Cap’n Crunch, which was purchased this morning from the local Gritty Kitty.  The children reacted only slightly positive to the cereal.  It was enjoyable, yet many of the obese children asked if there were any misplaced marshmallow bits or savory gravy.  After they had finished their half serving of the current Cap’n Crunch, the children were given a half serving of the unopened box from three decades ago.  “This cereal is older than my grandmother,” laughed one of the students.  Sadly, the laughter stopped there.  Being children, and willing to eat anything, the entire class shoveled a mouthful of ’76 Cap’n Crunch into their hatches.  One by one, like a slow-mo dramatic U.S. soldier death scene, the children began to cry and scream with their lips dripping with their own blood.  Luckily, a team of paramedics were on stand-by outside of the school for just such an occasion.

Now that the Axis of Stevil has proven that Cap’n Crunch is going soft, what is the cause?  Was the cereal modified over the years? Is it the work of the Soggies?  Or were those kids just wimps?  Those answers are left for another time.

Regards,
The Axis of Stevil

Why is Mario red and not blue or purple?

super tube dude

Dear Superior Man of the Small-Screen,

It is clear that your profusion of television viewage has gone to your head. The networks blatantly and brazenly separate television programs. A "demographic", as the network execs call it, is merely a fluffed-up term meaning "segregation"! Thus this is why you base a platform hero on color, alone.

Scientific studies, performed on children age 7 to 17, show that a whopping 76% of gamers prefer to be Mario over Luigi when playing Super Mario Brothers for NES. When asked why, a majority of them replied, "Because Luigi isn't as good." Is this really the case? Mario and Luigi are identical, except for their color. Is Luigi really worse of a character simply because he is green? Or is it the person beyond the color? The player, perhaps?

We, at the Axis of Stevil, hope that our message is clear to you. Remember to not view Mario by his color. Instead, view him as a fat, smelly Italian.

P.S. : If you're still fuzzy on the issue, The Barenaked Ladies could help clear things up.

Regards,
The Axis of Stevil

Has segregation always occurred among Super Market fruit?

~????

Dear Missing Moniker,

Much like the animal world, plants also develop communication patterns. However, this form of communication is not physical, like ours. It is considered to be telepathic. The Axis of Stevil has sound-wave footage of fruits chatting in a local Gritty Kitty Super Market. These sounds cannot be heard by the human ear, so the footage was slowed down, using the latest Microsoft Windows Sound Recorder technology. Our expert group of translators was able to decipher what each group of produce was discussing. It seemed that every assembly thought exactly alike. They all believed in, what they call, "The Divine Hands." Their religion and social structure was based on these polytheist beliefs. Each item of produce does not sense the other fruit items since their telepathic waves cannot pass through wood, ice, or Astroturf. Each item dreams of becoming a "Chosen", or an item that is picked, examined, and eventually placed into the "Cart of Consecration," to finally be taken to their "Divine Hands'" throne and be sacrificed as nourishment to the being that has these Hands, so that they may, one day, create another set of Hands.

The plants that we, and other animals, digest realize their purpose in their existence. If they did not exist, nor would we, and vice versa. Therefore, there is no segregation in the world of produce. We just put the similar ones together because it makes things a hell of a lot easier. Hands down.

Regards,
The Axis of Stevil

Is one member of the band Katharsis considered a Katharsi?

-Clueless Groupie

Dear Alicia Silverstone fan,

No. They're considered to be Ean Hirst, Garret Bissonnette, Patrick Spohr, Cory Granger, and Eric Pryburn

Regards,
The Axis of Stevil

Is Stephen an acceptable name for the Axis of Stevil, or does it have to be Steven? I mean it sounds the same.

-Stephen Colbert

Dear Friend,

You've obviously misunderstood the whole reasoning behind The Axis of Stevil. We do not discriminate against any Steve, or in your case, Stephe. In fact, our archives show that on June 22nd, 2005 (nearly one year ago) we featured Stephen Colbert on our website. Be sure to click the link. It's an excellent read!

The fact of the matter is that there is a Steve in all of us. He's that awkward sense of humor in the back of your mind where you think something but don't actually say it out loud. He's that sense of duty you feel towards your community. He's that feeling of wanting to make a difference by showing what you have to offer and sharing with others what they have to offer as well. And most of all, he's what makes you, you.

Regards,
The Axis of Stevil

Is the courage the wizard gives the lion in the wizard of oz really just liquor?

Angry Beaver

Dear Outraged Otter:

Yes.          

Regards,
The Axis of Stevil

Why is a dime worth twice as much as a nickel when it is half the size?  The Mint says a dime used to be made out of silver which is more valuable than nickel, but they are now both made of base metal. Why then is a dime more valuable since it is smaller?

-???

Dear Whatserface:

Do not believe what The Mint or The Chocolate groups tell you!  Both organizations rely on gullibility and brainwashing for recruitment methods.  We, at the Axis of Stevil, are here to provide the truth behind this great currency conundrum.

First, you must know that dimes and nickels were not coined at the same time.  Dimes came to exist in 1796 while nickels rolled in around 1866, seven decades later.  When the dime was first revealed, it was the size of a major league softball.  It was virtually a 4.6lb ball of extremely cheap metal, thus the use of a dime wasn’t practical in the least.  People rarely spent dimes, and the value of a dime became even smaller.  The utter aversion of the dime coined (no pun intended) the phrase, “I don’t give a dime!” which was an exclamation that meant that the situation did not matter to the person stating.  After 70 years, the titanic ten-cent tender’s value decreased by half.  Those who printed dimes realized how useless a dime was, and made it smaller.  The old dimes were first given to an elderly blacksmith that went by the name Nick.  His newly appointed job was to take the old dimes and hammer them to a smaller size. “Have a bunch of dated dimes that you need to have flattened?  Nick’ill do it.”  The advertising sold itself when the time came to christen this new coin.          

Regards,
The Axis of Stevil

Do nose hair trimmers have souls?

~????

Dear Oderfurst Longmuzzle:

It is very natural to question the relative existence of inanimate objects. The fact that you ask directly about nose hair trimmers is a sign that you are a kindred spirit. Only a handful of people can sense the tiny force of ginger hard at work within the shell of your Braun Eugromatic E-120.  There is a strain of life that runs through inanimate objects sired with the demonic forging of a man made from only ginger. When a flat-footed gingerbread man finally “meets his baker”, he must pay a penance for his origin. In his next life, he will quietly inhabit the power source of a nose hair trimmer. In this position he will be able to help guide the operator with the grooming sheers.  Only by worker together can man and machine truly

function! For this reason, a good trimmer is hard to find, no matter what hair you choose to keep in-check.  Most nose hair trimmers would rather be baked goods and will often refuse to help cut back the shorthairs. These sweet smelling souls are content to lay about, dreaming of sugar cream frosting.

If you have made a connection to your nose hair trimmer, and wish it to remain in good health and spirits, store it in a cool dry medicine cabinet, near the mouthwash and other fresh smelling toiletries. It is important to leave floss out and available for your trimmer. In the early hours of the morning, it might desire the clean that only flossing provides. A nose hair trimmer must productively exist for 7 years to repay Crockstavior, the god of cookies and sweet crackers, for the use of a soul.

Regards,
The Axis of Stevil

I'm studying abroad in the fall for 5 months and living in another state this summer... should i peace out and not tell anyone where im going or when, leaving mystery and people to ask what happened to that guy?

~Goober

Dear Goober:

The Axis of Stevil, again, thanks you for writing, and commends you on your decision to research the opposite sex.  There is no doubt that this will be an enlightening experience.  Let us start you off on the right foot for your studies:  the term “broad” has been frowned upon for quite some time, now that political correctness is what’s “in” these days.  If you wish to correctly examine the opposite sex, you must be able to address them without using derogative language.

To finish your inquiry, first weigh the pros and cons of each way you choose to depart from your current surroundings.  All things must come to an end and choosing how you take your curtain call should not be a rushed decision.

Leaving without notice would save you the heartache from long goodbyes and sobbing comrades. However, no one is entirely sure how their absence would affect a community.  Disappearing without a trace could worry your loved ones to such extremes as hiring a search party.  The police would not be very pleased with you if they spent days upon days searching for you, only to find you kanoodling with exotic creatures.  If you select this route, do so with caution and keep in touch with a selective few.

Another option would be to do the complete opposite: to celebrate!  Let the entire community know that their time with you is limited and they should enjoy it.  The options here are virtually endless.  This is your last chance to impact the neighborhood; to “go out with a bang,” as they say.  Depending on your social status, this may, or may not, affect your wallet, but remain confident that you will toss monetary totals aside in order to provide you and your community with a finishing festivity.

Regards,
The Axis of Stevil

Question : Why cant my computer tell me what i want and then get other appliances to help acomplish it?

~Goober

Dear Goober:

You need to know what you want. How can a computer expect to perform a task when a task is not given? The Axis of Stevil appreciates your support and in return, we will give you some advice: Take control of your life.

Earlier, you came to us with your dating woes, which is understandable since everyone tends to hit a rut in romance. But now you can't even seem to work with household objects simply because you do not know how to use these tools the way they were intended to be used. Computers and appliances are here to assist you, not to make things more arduous and complicated. Without humans, appliances would have no reason to exist. Take the actual word 'appliance' and notice that it is derived from the word 'apply'. You must first apply yourself to these objects in order for them to work the way you want them to work.

The same could be said for the dating world. If you do not 'apply' yourself to your partner, how do you expect them to cater to your desires? Now, we are not saying that people should be treated as objects, but objects be treated as people. If you take care of these luxuries that you have in life, then they will return the favor.

Regards,
The Axis of Stevil

How come twenty six year olds are so clingy, cant they just have sex and move on like all the other singles out there?

~Goober

Dear Goober:

First of all, why are you dating a kindergarten class? With twenty six year olds, one might grow tired of the constant chirp of their voices or non-stop pestering over GI JOE or Legos, if the constant barrage of trivial questions and statements pooring from their mouths doesnt kill you first. The fact of the matter remains that six year olds usually don't participate in sexual relations either, therefore they are incapable of "having sex and moving on like all the other singles out there."

Usually relationships often stretch thin around a lack of communication and high expectations with sub par behavior. These problems can usually be exterminated by constant open communication. If you retain certain expectations about space, bedroom life, behavior, language, then grab a a chalkboard and let the diagrams do the talking. Explain and layout your expectations and intentions in the current relationship. By doing this, you provide your relationship partner , whether they be six or ninety-eight years old, with direct insight into what you are looking for and then can clearly understand what it is they can or will do in regarding them. If you need more space, tell them. Show them what you are looking for.

This communication can often be tedious and uncomfortable, but in the end each person knows what the other is looking for and any consequences are understood and accepted by all.

Regards,
The Axis of Stevil

Why don't ginger kids have souls?

-Algernon

Dearest Algernon::

You should be commended for your knowledge of such folklore; however you have been slightly misled. You see, this anomaly is not in regard to ginger kids and their eternal spirit, but more toward ginger people and their shoes. As “souls” and “soles” are common homophones, this mistake is perfectly normal. There is an age-old suburban legend that The Axis of Stevil discovered that may very well answer your query more directly and may offer further explanation to this mistake.

In 1893, there was a small German village where an elderly baker had dwelled. He had been a baker his entire life and was considered the best the entire country. People from far away villages and cities traveled in order to purchase this man’s delectable delights. In fact, this very baker had invented the very first Gingerbread Man. Believe it or not, the Gingerbread Man that this baker had created was actually brought to life by his wife, who so happened to practice witchcraft. Quite the odd couple, wouldn’t you agree?

The Gingerbread Man gained the elderly baker even more fame and his business soared. Day and night he baked. When he wasn’t baking, he was sleeping. His bakery remained packed full of people ready to acquire his masterpieces and to see the Gingerbread Man, live and in person -er cookie. The baker loved having an extremely successful business, but all of that hard work soon took its toll on the poor fellow. He complained that the bottoms of his feet ached constantly due to the amount of work he had accomplished within the past few weeks. His wife was not pleased.

“Ever since you made that Gingerbread Man, your work load has tripled!” she exclaimed. “All of this excruciating labor is wearing you out. You toil day and night and I seldom see my dear old husband. This entire debacle is to blame on that Gingerbread Man!”

That night, the baker’s wife snuck into the Gingerbread Man’s room and cast a spell upon him.

“Since you were born
Our job has been tougher.
Now like my husband,
Your kind shall suffer!”

The curse that the witch cast upon the Gingerbread Man had taken the soles out of his shoes, causing his feet to ache terribly. The same horrible fate was placed on the Gingerbread Man’s offspring, as well.

And from that day forward, Ginger-kids never had soles.

Regards,
The Axis of Stevil

Why is the name Robert Paulsen so familiar?

A Non Emuss

Dear Mr. Not as Clever as He'd like Everyone to Think He Is:

If you happen to be talking about legendary voice actor Robert Paulsen, then yes! Robert Paulsen's name just happens to be Robert Paulsen.

Born on March 11th, 1956 in Detroit, Michigan, Robert Paulsen was immediately deemed a child prodigy when his parents discovered that their little bundle of joy had the amazing ability to manipulate his voice. However, they assumed that the outside world would not accept Robert because of his differences. His parents kept him in their basement for over two decades. Despite this, they attempted to give him a normal life. He was well-taken care of and was home schooled by his mother. Once he hit puberty, his voice(s) changed dramatically. Although this is to be expected in every adolescent, his mother was bewildered by these sudden vocal transformations. His parents decided to set him free, into the real world.

With little guidance in the outside world, Robert Paulsen befriended animals, such as mice, turtles, and bears. He noticed that different animals in the same species each possessed different personality traits; much like humans. He studied which voice each animal positively responded to and communicated with them accordingly.

Two unknown hikers found Robert Paulsen in a wooded area 40 miles outside of Detroit. They took him in and immediately discovered his talent. Luckily, one of the hikers was a friend of a cartoonist, who just so happened to be hiring voice talent. This was Robert's big break.

At the age of 25, Robert began a prestigious voice acting career when he used his talents for The Smurfs. He is also well known for voicing Snow Job (G.I. Joe), Raphael (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles) Yakko Warner, and Pinky (Animaniacs). His lengthy credentials can be found here.

This remarkable man, who was born with a talent like no other, who was raised in the basement of a middle-class family's home, who was sent to fend for himself in the wilderness when he was only 13 years-old, and who used the same ability, that caused his parents to shun him, to create a name for himself in the hearts of those who love animated television. Who is this man?

His name is Robert Paulsen.

Regards,
The Axis of Stevil

Why is Cheerwine made only in North and South Carolina?

Your #1 fan

Dear main air-conditioning unit,

The answer to this inquiry is located deep within the Axis of Stevil History Texts. Hold the flaming stick and watch your step.

The answer takes us all the way back to the year 1917, smack-dab in the middle of World War I. Europe, as a whole, was taking quite a beating during this period. The price of food skyrocketed and rations were entirely too small to sustain our over-seas citizens. Due to the lack of food, these people suffered chemical imbalances within their brains, which were proven to be early detections of bipolar disorder (or Xanga Fuel, as it is referred to in modern terms).

The United States had declared war against Germany earlier in the year, so Europe looked to us for aid with their indigent, famished individuals. The United States gladly took these people into refuge and stationed them into asylums located in North and South Carolina. However, the nurses and doctors noticed that these people, having suffered malnourishment, produced abnormal brain activity. They quickly developed a treatment called "Cheer-Whine" to represent both stages of bipolar disorder. Not only did "Cheer-Whine" alleviate the irregular brain ailments, it was quite tasty to boot. Once the Europeans were returned safely, the developers of this delicious drug decided to capitalize their creation. With a quick name change, the modern-day Cheerwine was unveiled.

Regards,
The Axis of Stevil

Why is three company?

--------

Dear Layzee McNoname,

This is an excellent question, Layzee. It just so happens that December 15th is the day of birth of the revolutionary Jonathan Trees. Never heard of him? Well, sit down, chil'rens and take a journey through the life of a young entrepreneur.

Jonathan Trees was born on December 15th, 1693. He was the first recorded puritan to have a lisp. Normally, people with lisps were burned at the stake (they were thought to be witches), but Jonathan was no ordinary warlock-er, man. Nor was his lisp; he could speak perfect puritan English, except he added an 'h' after every’t’ that he spoke. So, we come to the conclusion that he pronounced his name, "Jonathan Threes."

At the ripe old age of 11, his father, Jacob Trees, passed away from "thuberculosis". It was customary for a son to follow in his father's occupational footsteps, so Jonathan became a lumberjack, just like his old man. His exceptional lumber-jacking skills are what saved him from being accused as a warlock. Knowing this, he decided to expand his business. He hired his close friends, Matthew Wood and Mark Bark. These three pre-pubescent lumberjacks established the "Trees' Company". Not only were these boys the virtual cookie-cutter for all lumberjack enterprises, but they also coined the phrase "Threes' Company," thanks to Jonathan's legendary lisp.

Regards,
The Axis of Stevil

Do the little ridges on Solo plastic cups serve any purpose?

Peter, Dallas.

Dear Texas Pete,

The ridges you find on your run of the mill plastic cup most certainly have a function. The Solo Cup Company was established in 1936. On December 18th, 1936, the very first panda bear was brought to the United States. As you may know, pandas do not cope with jet-lag very well. Once it was released into its new habitat, the panda was relentless towards all zoological staff. Nothing could cope this savage beast.

The patrons were not pleased with the new animal and begin to throw trash at the panda. One audience member just so happened to hurl a scrunched plastic cup, which hit the panda directly in-between his eyes, and fell into the panda's paws. He examined the cup and then gently scratched the side of the cup with his claw, back and forth. The sound that this created made the once-boisterous brute into a docile dandelion. Every night, the panda would scratch the edges of the plastic cup and lull itself to sleep.

From that day forward, the Solo Cup Company featured ridges along the side of every plastic cup, just in case there came about another disgruntled panda.

Regards,
The Axis of Stevil

How do Mexican Jumping Beans jump?

Thanks.
A Friend

Dear A,

The Mexican jumping bean is an impatient and energetic creature; No matter how early he wakes up he feels that he is 15 min late. The bean in a frantic trance will jump about looking at his watch wondering why he wasn't getting "there" fast enough.

Jumping beans may not be tasty to eat, but they are great for a rainy day science project. Gather 5 beans into a jar. And put them in into a freezer. Wait 15min, the cold air will slow the rate of the bean to a halt. While frozen tie a string to the leg of your beans. Leave them out on the table to thaw. When they reach room temperature again you will have a jumping bean on a leash, ready to take for stroll about your house.

Regards,
The Axis of Stevil

what does steven mean?

-----

To whom it may concern,

Do you read this website?

www.axisofstevil.com

Regards,
The Axis of Stevil

what does the "o" and the "k" stand for in the word "O.K." This causes me to lose sleep at night. Please help.

Sincerely,
Enn ohh

Dear Enn ohh,

Your work is magnificent.

Now for the juicy stuff, many years ago, when you were a twinkle in your grandfathers eye, a man by the name of Oliver Kite was making his way through the country, stirring up controversy at every stop. The nation was in the middle of a verbal fire fight. An Imaginary line was drawn between two Redtape Parties, the Ottacons and the Klondikians. That line was the seperation of two completely different beliefs. At the time, a national problem was sweeping its people into conversational turmoil. These two sects, desired to provide the country with the Uniform Code of Affirmation; designed to curb the occurence of awkward moments in conversation, when they are in fact over. The Ottacons were favored to succeed for their submission, "Paper or Plastic?", contended by "Your hair is on fire!" by, rivals. Klondikians.

Just when the feud seemed to have no end and the nations solution laying between two horrible expressions, we find our hero Oliver Kite spreading the word of an underground revolution pushing his own expression, "Okie Dokie". Gaining popularity from within the masses, "Okie Dokie" made its way to everyones vocabulary and solved the national disaster, leaving the Redtape Parties in a cranky, militant mood.

As time passed, the UAC was affectionately called The Oliver Kite Uniform Code of Affirmation. Later shortened to "The Oliver" or "O.K.", the code provided all who use it, the power to end a conversation early, disrsuade your parents from bothering you, or agree to a request on the Internet.

Regards,
The Axis of Stevil

Dear Axis of Stevil, why is it so hard to kill a zombie with a knife...even if it has a serrated edge and is sharpened on a diamond stone?

-The Daywalker

Dear The Daywalker,

Zombies, despite the fact they are often portrayed as the weakest of all monsters, are really hard to kill! Those guys don't stop! What are you doing with a knife only? The Axis of Stevil, in it's campgrounds and mountain trail guide book, recommends that you carry at least a shotgun, handgun, two boxes of ammo and a green herb when routinely traveling in zombified terrain.

Zombies have an exterior layer of fatty 'reverse' skin. Because of this, zombies have a high tolerance for pain. It, in fact, just feels like a tickle to their skin. If you are just tickling somebody, it's really hard to keep them off of you.

Reverse skin does provides an interesting trick for when "you need to take down a large room of zombies in under two minutes before the Zombie overlord escapes in his moon jet!", simply swing an old fashion feather pillow. The resulting softness of fabric and feathers is like a debilitating taser blow to any zombie melting their interiors to a smelly pulp. This is why you never see a zombies eating chicken!

Regards,
The Axis of Stevil

My TeacHER woNt Be QuieT AND im TrYing To sLEep. WhAt ShoULD Do? I'm ReAlly Super TiRed aNd shE Has an anNoying voice.

-Rocky

Dear Squirrel,

What have you been up doing? Running around with that damn mouse friend of yours, finding the ruby yacht of Omar Khayyam or some such nonsense! You are so tired you can hardly type! Stop hanging around with that drunken Russian couple and pay attention in class.

Knowledge is power!

That being said, you should install your own Stallitude in the restroom closest to your class. When you need a warm burrito break, or want to catch up on your day trades you can just excuse yourself to the restroom. Theses little diversions should keep you awake, informed, and Stuffed!

Regards,
The Axis of Stevil

Dear Esbanvil,

por que?

-Sucio Sanchez

Dear Sucio Sanchez,

Su pregunta, mientras que es simple en longitud y carácter es profunda. Tan profundamente que uno pudo bajar adentro, cayendo abajo del agujero del conejo del existance que usted ha instalado. Bien usted el sir que el eje de Stevil dice no, ningún nosotros no le dirá porqué, solamente le diremos cuando el jueves próximo en los 7pm

Regards,
The Axis of Stevil

Dear Soontu B.D. Ceased,

Much like you write; short, painful and adequately puncuated.

Regards,
The Axis of Stevil

Dear otreboR,

The Axis of Stevil provides this general-purpose knowledge base as a public service. Being an organization with such lineage and resources, The Axis of Stevil was often sought by heads of state, theologians and political pundits to answer the burning questions of the day. It was the position of this company to refuse all requests for information for fear of giving away the end. The long silence was broken finally in May of this year when the Axis of Stevil decided that it would accept questions for the first time ever. Since then all questions received have been promptly answered, and while it is far too early to judge long-term trends. The OIQ* has been significantly higher since the onset of 'Ask Stevil'. It is hard to say why this service has gone over looked by contemporary society. Some would speculate the cause stems from the March 2005 issue of Famous Father Monthly in which Ron Howard offers to answer any and all questions sent to him here. Thus channeling a large brunt of the world's problems to Opie's doorstep. The Axis of Stevil, unlike Ron Howard, guarantees all of it's answers to be of the highest level of correctitude and would encourage you to submit any and all questions that you might have there is plenty of knowledge to go around.

Regards,
The Axis of Stevil

*Overall intelligence quotient

Dear Jacob's Ladder,

Asking this question is like asking, “Which came first? Morality or Disney movies?” The answer is simple when you break down the parts. Where do eggs come from? The grocery store, next to the milk and cheese. Where do chickens come from? The grocery store, in the meat dept. Do you understand so far Jacob? Ok this is it gets tricky. As you enter the grocery store you construct the store as your mind perceives it. 85% of humans construct the dairy section in logical relationship to the entrance as coming before the meat department. The other 15% perceive the meat dept as being first in their linear grocery store progression. In summation the origins of your breakfast sandwich are totally dependent on how you feel.

Regards,
The Axis of Stevil

P.S. Shockingly 98% of American youth interpret Disney brand morality, before they are aware of either the chicken or the egg.

Dear Jerry Ratricks,

Rice Krispies are attempting to communicate to you all the time. The Rice Krispies are an interesting creature, in that they can only generate audible speech patterns when submersed in milk. It is a cruel irony for this chatty cereal treats. Rice Krispies, however talkative, cannot tread water and quickly drown in a milk sea. Because of this, Rice Krispies are usually yelling for help when you hear them talk. There have been a few occasions when the great thinkers of the Rice Krispies meet their end. These serine puffed pieces of rice will explain the ways of the Krispie, or demand better box art. These occasions however are few and far between. Do not trouble yourself, or feel sad for the Krispies. They realize that they are tasty. In regards to your third question, When boats and other water vessels are decommissioned they are sailed into large glass dry docks, which are then shrunk, to bottle size for convenient shortage.

Regards,
The Axis of Stevil

Dear Renaldo Janslito,

How are you doing Janslito? Someone you know is in the kitchen cause she couldn’t be anywhere else. Much like 'ring around the roses', the nursery rhyme of Dina was created to warn children of the dangers of working on the railroad. Fossil records have proven conclusively that once there was a hideous beast that roamed the wild wood of the untamed American west. It was a diabolical fuseing of pots and pans and 3 skillets to an unusually large timber breaking bear. The beast was known as Samsonite. If a settler should stray from home after dark she would be easy pray to the beast. It is said that Samsonite would club its victims unconscious and then drag them to his kitchen lair. They would be forever trapped there for reason still unknown.

Regards,
The Axis of Stevil

Dear Nick,

The Axis of Stevil believes that every person is stamped at birth with an individual taste, an essence if you will. The phenomenon is similar to that of the fingerprint. This essence stems much farther than what tangible flavor you may perceive yourself. It can be attributed to your personal choices and decisions that influence your life on a daily basis. Why limit yourself with one taste when you can enjoy the feast that is laid before you. Bon Appetite

Regards,
The Axis of Stevil

Dear Resident [evil] Cutie,

You ask a very prolific question. Truly, the dog is broken, but we try to be kind to our animal brothers. So, we lie to them and say we improve them. You might fault Bob Barker for this trend, as it is a necessary ignorance of the language we can afford to appease creatures so dear and loyal to the human race.

Regards,
The Axis of Stevil

Jon

Dear Jon,

You sound bitter. The Axis of Stevil does acknowledge “the women conspiracies” as a valid train of thought for all men to have. Many males find frustration in the opposite sex and because of this Dear Jon, at the “Men Conference II” it was decided that women were plotting to take over the planet, and that all the faults men find with them were part of an intricate conspiracy theory to erode the sex into servitude. While it is stereotypically white males who acknowledge MEN II as law, it is a belief that any one can experience. The Axis of Stevil does not recognize the MEN II decision and because of this believes that women are born with all the instincts and desires of men. You, Jon just have terrible taste in women.

Regards,
The Axis of Stevil

Dear Robert,

The process of Stevil conversion is a long and arduous one. First, you must file paper work with your local Stevil center showing your intent to convert. You will then receive in the mail (within 2 to 4 days) a conversion package. This package will contain 1 comb (black), 2 feet of rope, 1 hardbound copy of "The Stevil, The Self" and 3 packages of Fruit Stripe gum. No pending Steve may be told what these items are used for. The search for their meaning is a key part of the awakening. Stevilaztion is not to be taken lightly for there is no turning back once the process has begun. The Axis of Stevil asks that all potential Steves take a 24-hour period of reflection before beginning their conversion. Velcro shoes are located on aisle 194 of the Stevil discount warehouse.

Regards,
The Axis of Stevil

Dear Lumpy Watson,

While everybody has within them an inner fat kid, the one true Fat Kid who modeled for the shirt is none other then the Axis's own resident "Power Fatkid" JR, You can reach him through the AOS forums or send a carrier pigeon to roust #2, AOS Norway (norway.axisofstevil.com).

Regards,
The Axis of Stevil

Dear Hey Zeus,

At this time, the Axis of Stevil is not authorized to release this information.

Regards,
The Axis of Stevil

Dear Sir Rich ~ Lord of the Big,

First, The Axis of Stevil would like to congratulate you on conquering your land and really swashing those buckles! HEAR HEAR! Right then, The Axis of Stevil has been granted explicit access to the great vaults of Life's Greatest Mysteries, up to Volume 6. The Axis of Stevil Research and Egg Beater Team used this access to follow-up on your inquiry. Upon looking through countless tomes of records and information about the matters concerning "8am classes" and "moist mundane professors" and the results were less than helpful in the search for your answer. The only results yeilded were for an incident scroll from Rome in 1217 and for a website called College Humor. Upon further investigation we discovered that we incorrectly entered the information for "most". After correcting this error the search revealed something interesting. It wasn't a solid answer nor was it even from the tomes. After all of the searching, The Axis of Stevil has decided that its because you didnt register for 10 am classes like everyone else. Also it is requested to ask a question of your Sir, didn’t your parents ever tell you life’s not fair?

Regards,
The Axis of Stevil

Dear Wise One,

Your title is very fitting when you consider your ability to accurately discover and reveal typographical errors, even when they are clouded by derivations from another language, Kudos! It is a little known fact that The Axis of Stevil is a website created to be molded by its viewers. Without exposure to and conversations about others thoughts, feelings and ideas the world becomes a fairly boring place. The same travels through to the web world. A successful tactic in opening the lines of communication is through common topic conversation. Many people who read well, also possess the powers of spelling and will notify the right people of an error, thus beginning communicado. The error you reported has since been fixed, it was our toughest error to be planted and The Axis of Stevil congratulates you on your find. Thank you for demonstrating courage and exercising your right to open communication.

Regards,
The Axis of Stevil

Dear Ian,

The grocery stores of America have been playing tricks with our minds for years, and the Axis of Stevil has come to reveal their evil plot. One of “the man’s” tricky ways of getting you to spend more money at the grocery store has been through pairing some of your favorite foods together. Subliminally throughout the years, grocers across the country have come to make you think you’re going to be 2 buns short at the end of a package of hot dogs. So what do you, the consumer, do? You might as well buy a second package of buns, right? Because honestly, who’s going to waste 2 perfectly good hot dogs? When in all reality, the majority of hot dogs and buns are both packaged in sets of 8 and in the long run you are left with an extra package of buns. This same simple trickery also occurs with chips and salsa. Now matter how hard you try, you always manage to finish your salsa before you’re done with your chips, right? Think about it…milk and cereal, peanut butter and jelly, ketchup and everything, caviar and toast points, all these essential foods have been paired together by the man to make you spend more money when you stop by the store for your midnight snack. It simply can be broken down to the “you can’t have one without the other” mentality, the core belief of fat kids everywhere.

Regards,
The Axis of Stevil

-Dustn

Dear -No "I" in Dustn-

Because clothes have +10 Sun Immunity.

Regards,
The Axis of Stevil

what is the universal answer

- ???

42, DUH!

Regards,
The Axis of Stevil