| Diagnosis:
Gremlins
Have
you ever had the occasion when, despite your best efforts
and abilities, something still goes wrong? When a hard drive
fails, an audio track drops out; little kicks in the face
that you have no ability to control. While it may seem like
these events happen on their own just to spite you, take
comfort that these mishaps are well-orchestrated maneuvers
done by a crack squadron of carefully trained gremlins.
Gremlins were summoned into this world by Hitler in 1936;
it was one of the Fuhrer’s first of many forays into
the arcane. Hitler wanted an army of infectious, bad luck
creatures. By releasing them into the wilderness in enemy
territory, he hoped to weaken the Allied war machine from
within like a cancer. Gremlins would bring down planes with
faulty rudder controls, Kill a foot solider with a back
firing Thompson and make every third person trip, which
would be a serious blow to morale.
Bad luck was not as effective as Hitler had hoped. The allied
spirit was far too powerful and took all luck attacks in
stride.
When
he was defeated and Europe was saved, the question became
what to be done with Hitler’s surplus supply of gremlins.
The solution came from a shadowy board of figures who suggested
the creatures be turned onto the consumer. Gremlins could
forever wreak havoc on the end user. The weak spirited masses
would be easily victimized by a creature of luck; ensuring
“that somewhere, somebody’s toaster oven came
factory installed with a defective heating coil that could
easily snap and ignite the ovens in flames. This accomplishes
two things; creates a constant flow of re-consuming, and
a de-moralizing “screw-you” to the rabble".
Know what the signs of Gremlinsizm are. Only through awareness
can you shake off a control.
| Are
you experiencing any of the following signs? |
1. |
"Nervous
twitch" or "the shakes" |
2. |
The
inability to win a coin toss |
3. |
Do
they often forget your fries at Wendy’s? |
4. |
On
more than three different occasions, a model kit has
been missing piece H6? |
If
you said yes to one or more of these symptoms, you have
gremlins! There are only two cures for a case of the gremlins.
You can either laugh at the attempt of forced luck thus
negating its existence, or you can take FelioPretia* from
GlaxoSmithKline.
*
FelioPretia Contains Norambrolide
(a Fermented form of Salvia
Sclarea) and is rumored to have mind controlling properties.
The
Axis of Stevil advises no one to consume Norambrolide
|
