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LOW IMPACT TERRORISM
In
recent weeks The Axis of Stevil has noticed an increase
in the level of terrorist chatter. Several creditable threats
in the form of magazine order cards have been intercepted
that show a swelling of entry-level terrorist support. Be
aware of low impact terrorist organizations that seek to
draw upon the sympathies of evil and unmotivated men. The
following press release was found in a raid of a terrorist
compound outside of Jamestown, MA.
Have
you ever felt like the world is too organized? Too
mapped out? Too many rules and too little defiance?
Where are the unsung heroes that put the real in reality?
This self-awareness has put you in the right direction
to finding answers to these questions.
Terrorism is not always the worst thing on the menu;
it can come in all shapes and flavors. One might say
that a terrorist is like a beautiful snowflake; unique
in its design and appearance. Terrorists devote their
entire lives to a cause; forsaking everything for
the belief in an idea that is unaccepted by the democracy.
Whether you choose to be an extremist or just part
of the passive resistance, it can be difficult to
commit the time that is required by particular ideas.
A strong terrorist group is a thousand times needier
than and thrice as bitchy as any high malignance girlfriend.
So if you can’t be a true believer, go for the
next best thing: Low Impact Terrorism!
Low Impact Terrorism is the new craze sweeping office
parks and college campuses all over the United States.
It is fulfilling, exhilarating and easy to join. Through
three simple steps, you can be on your way to simple
evil justifications in no time! Step one: Fill out
a Low Impact Terrorist subscription card. Step two:
Check the box next to one of the L.I.T. groups you
would wish to join. (There is no limit to how many
you can join.) Step Three: Mail in the subscription
card. In about 6 to 8 weeks, your mailbox will start
to overflow with letters, packages and unsigned notes
from people who share the same beliefs as you! Your
new terrorist friends will supply you with all the
various ways you can use your current job or income
for minor bits of evil!
Do you work for city zoning or a construction company?
Low Impact Terrorism can help you build that next
big mall on a pristine field or public park. Tired
of government waste restrictions and bureaucratic
red tape? Forget about it! Low Impact Terrorists do
not play by anybody’s rules; in fact, they make
their own! Dump your hazardous materials and other
toxic bric-a-brac behind an episcopal church or in
your local county’s water supply. If you are
just a local cashier at a Burger Czar, don’t
fret! Your consistent systematic shortchanging of
customers can yield large profits to fill the coffers
of your local sleeper cell. When you’re a Low
Impact Terrorist, the word is your orchard and the
harvest is on.
If you feel Low Impact Terrorism is for you, but you
are as apathetic as grandma at a theme park, just
flip over your L.I.T. subscription card and check
out all the great deals on subscriptions to popular
magazines and news journals. You can get a three-year
subscription to Harmonious or the BBQ’s Annual
for 60% off the cover price! Since the Low Impact
Terrorist Groups are loyal to their members; all L.I.T.
subscription card holders are eligible to win a round
trip to the Bahamas in a drawing each year!
Low Impact Terrorism isn’t just about filling
your return-mailer envelope with scrap paper and mailing
it back to the spammer. It is not just about the satisfaction
of putting a knot in the democratic system. Low Impact
Terrorism is a brotherhood among those who seek to
put the real in reality; those who share the same
beliefs in turning against the tide and pushing hard.
With this in mind, Low Impact Terrorism United has
recruited over one hundred of the United State’s
finest Low Impact Terrorist masters. We have several
facilities under construction in over 10 major cities
nation wide! These facilities will start offering
classes in Low Impact Terrorism for the working class
and the white collars alike. With features including
daycare, shuttle buses, and a fifteen foot dive tank;
you can relax and enjoy learning simple terrorist
skills with convenience.
You no longer have to go on unsung. Join a local chapter
of Low impact Terrorism. Let your voice be heard. |
Like most armchair evildoers and posers, the part time terrorist
has little resolve. In fact he will quickly turn coat and
return to the side of good with just a little shock and
awe. With this in mind, The Axis of Stevil has started a
crack squadron of mercenaries, stuntman and rouge Hollywood
producers who have been tasked to combat low impact terrorism
from coast to coast. These masters of Green screens, ammunition
blanks and stunt ramps will crash a ‘76 thunderbird
through a 3rd story office window and spray blanks from
a Armalite M16, all while pyrotechnic explosions shimmer
through the falling pieces of glass. This theatrical display
is guaranteed to terrify even the most stone-faced cooperate
slime bag straight. Fighting small time domestic terrorism
with big budget action terror is the way of the new century.
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