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DY-NO-MITE!
Sifting
through the hype and fluff of consumer explosives is a daunting
task. Everyone has got something to sell you, from high
power thermite charges to RDX infused armadillos. It's hard
to be sure of what you really need. For a newbie to the
land of pyrotechnics, The Axis of Stevil recommends Napoleon
Brand Dynamite.
“Whether
you are tunneling through a mountain or quieting your neighbor’s
car stereo, Napoleon Dynamite is the right choice for all
your incendiary needs; the only brand preferred two to one
by co-op diamond miners worldwide. Made from only the finest
hard-shelled algae, carbonates and glycerins, Napoleon Dynamite
sticks are guaranteed to crush stones and break bones.
While the world credits Alfred Nobel for the invention of
dynamite in 1886, Napoleon Dynamite has been in production
since 1769. Started by the emperor of France, Napoleon Bonaparte,
the dynamite was discovered in a state-run fireworks factory
in the northern department of Pas de Calais. The factory
workers stumbled upon a potent explosive, while trying to
create a sparkling rocket without the use of messy black
powders. The discovery was named in honor of Bonaparte,
who was impressed by it’s destructive force. Mass
production of this new firecracker began immediately. Demand
quickly exploded as word of the emperor’s mighty new
‘boom stick’ spread across the nation. The unique
recipe for Napoleon Dynamite has become a closely guarded
secret and is known only by the three master-blasters of
the Calais factory. Currently, Napoleon ships 1600 cases
of dynamite per day, doing what its namesake never could;
conquering the world.”
Tired of losing your valuable stores of explosives to the
ravages of time and skunky glycerin sweat? Worry not. Through
the use of its revolutionary ‘thermo-skin’ layer
that keeps it’s ingredients at maximum potency and
freshness, Napoleon Dynamite is the only stick of dynamite
guaranteed to not sweat. Optimum explosive power is assured
for a minimum of ten years.
“Napoleon Dynamite blows...
the competition away!”
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