This
illustrious company is founded on the principle that everyone
can be successful and have a voice to speak their ideas,
even people as plain as the name given to millions of
people each year, Steve! Every so often, the Axis of Stevil
takes pleasure in shining the proverbial spotlight on
a Steve who shows excellence in their field.
In
the unsuffering tradition of honoring food, dignity and
magic, The Axis of Stevil turns its wheels of glory toward
a more than deserving candidate:
This
week the Axis of Stevil would like to shine the spotlight
on an unlikely candidate, who, by misfortune of his powerful
abilities and acting, has spent the past seven years shunned
and demonized. Steve T. Pizzawheel embodies the noble
spirit of Stevilization. With great honor, we bestow to
him the title of Featured Steve.
A great mystery surrounds Steve's origins. The urban legend
is that Steve was forged by Lucifer himself and used to
slice a demonic pizza made from human flesh and bones.
The Axis of Stevil, discounting this as myth, investigated
into public records and traced the pizza-wheel back to
a humble metal factory in northern Philadelphia. Steve
wanted nothing more than to leave his small factory and
see the world. Luck worked in his favor when he was sold
by a wholesale distributor to Hogsorts, an off brand magic
academy. It was in the mythic kitchens of Hogsorts that
a young prodigal student blessed Steve with the spell
of perpetual personification.
Having a life bestowed upon him, Steve dedicated himself
to learning the magic arts for the betterment of utensils
everywhere. This was a slow and arduous task. Back in
these dark days, before Luminare charmed the world in
“Beauty and the Beast”, attitudes towards
living inanimate objects were resentful and bigoted. Steve
was denied entrance to the academy.
So, in the kitchen Steve stayed. However, he did not let
the constant setbacks get him down. He trained and practiced
all that he could in the kitchen. Discovering a sleeping
culinary genius inside himself, the ambitious pizza cutter
began the fusing of exotic foods and cheese together to
make a culinary masterpiece he called “Stilton Cheesanomics”.
It was this genius, and the debut of his triple-decker
pizza, that got him noticed by Hogsorts’ illustrious
Council of Elders headed by Grand Wizard Humpery Jaclerbert.
Jaclerbert had long known of Steve’s desire to be
a wizard and had kept a close eye on the young utensil.
Jaclerbert took only one student under his wing every
thirteen years. Having just graduated his 499th student,
he was actively searching for a new pupil that he could
call his greatest achievement in wizardry. He saw the
potential for this within Steve.
For the next seven years, Steve would train at Hogsorts
under Jaclerbert’s expert guidance. Still not fit
to be himself in public, he developed abilities and skills
that allowed him to mask his appearance. As a master of
disguise, Steve spent his evenings masquerading as an
Estonian Barron, winning the affection of several unsuspecting
young women.
When Steve graduated, he was given the rank of High Wizard.
He left Hogsorts and set off to use his abilities for
good. He founded Steve Co. and set to mass-producing magical
and enchanted items for the private sector. His first
successful product was a line of parachutes made from
an enchanted cloth that would always deploy, never tangle,
was virtually weightless and could be compacted into a
pouch no bigger then a mans wallet. Steve Co. Pocket Parachutes
save over 3000 lives every year.
After
the release of films such as ”Beauty and the Beast”,
“The Brave Little Toaster”, and “Jamal,
the Rugged Boot String”, public attitudes towards
personified and enchanted objects changed. Steve found
that he could now appear in public as himself, something
he had always dreamed.
In no time at all, the master chef and High Wizard had
endorsement offers coming in from every corner of the
world. He settled upon Pizza Hut, who promised to cast
him in roles that showed off his abilities.
Steve reflects on this as the worst decision of his life.
The Pizza Hut spots, while funny and well produced, cast
Steve as a villain and enemy of food. Children watching
the commercials during 'Beetle Borgs’ or 'Goosebumps'
were indoctrinated with negative attitudes towards talking
culinary objects. Reinforcing the tired old standards
that Steve had spent his whole life trying to escape.
Sadden by these new developments, Steve parted ways with
Pizza Hut and the public spotlight. He relocated to his
humble floating cottage on the outer grounds of Hogsorts.
The
Axis of Stevil regards Steve T. Pizzawheel as a culinary
visionary, respected magic practitioner, and a useful
dinner friend. His “never-give-up”, “never
surrender” attitudes towards achieving his goals
should serve as example to all young persons who feel
they are being shunned away from their dreams.
