YOU
GOTTA DO WHAT YOU GOTTA DO
The
modern work force, while diligent and readily available,
does not produce the same caliber of employee that can be
found in the Animal Kingdom. The Axis of Stevil, in a service
to greaten the public's awareness, has started the 'Lighter
Side of Animal Testing' Campaign. With continued support,
the preconceived notions and stereotypes of animal testing
labs will be removed from our culture.
Take the rabbit for example; it has a natural intrinsic
work ethic. From its birth the rabbit understands "You
gotta do, what you gotta do". This has enabled the
rabbit to hold jobs most would find unimaginable. It is
no coincidence, then, that statistically; the three worst
jobs ever (Shark tamer, Landfill Owner, and Hardee’s
Employee) are rabbit dominated fields. Scientific studies
on the rabbit have shown that even under the worst of conditions
and circumstances the rabbit will do as he is told for a
paycheck.
A mixture of sorcery and home appliances, The General Electric
Company discovered an ancient good luck charm. By employing
a "Rabbit, Rabbit meat tester”, they discovered
that a company could be assured financial success and business
growth. A rabbit consuming a type of enchanted bunny meat
is considered a sacrifice to the cannibalistic god Jukajuke.
The ghastly sight of a rabbit subjugated to eat his own
kind will amuse him, as payment for this entertainment he
will direct luck particles towards your corporation for
as long as your rabbit is consuming. Only 6 men, all whom
are the heads of major multi-billion dollar conglomerates,
know the incantation for the ‘demon’s meat’.
Every major brand name company, IBM, Westinghouse, Sony,
Progressive has gotten to their current level of success
today thanks to rabbit meat sacrifices to a bored Pagan
deity. Modern historians would interject that, “it
is perhaps this fiddling with the natural order that caused
the baby boom and it’s resultant consumer culture.
Not some frilly post war sex romp.”
Animals deserve their civil liberties. Regulatory committees
need to acknowledge that OSHA food standards, that strictly
prohibits on the job cannibalism, apply to both Human and
animal kind.
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EXTREME
HOOPIN'
Axis
of Stevil - Norway‘s Annual Extreme Hoop Fest
is quickly approaching. It is Once again that time of the
year when the world pauses and looks to Norway for its unique
national pastime. The Extreme Hoop Roll! Once a simple children’s
game this new extreme sport has taken the thrill of mountain
repelling and the challenge of rolling a hoop with a stick.
Lead by their Iconic ex-envirospoksperson, Woodsy the Forest
Owl. Who proved his mastery of the sports by winning 23
consecutive rounds of extreme Hoop at the "Nukkalodean
Blood and GutzFests 99"'
Woodsy, most noted for a series of national anti-pollution
PSAs, dropped out of sight in the 90s when the pollution
problem was declared solved by Captain Planet, and never
spoken of again. Without television work, Woodsy left the
states and became chief ranger at a nature preserve in Norway.
It was there that he discovered what the locals called "Das
Hoop".
In acts that seem to defy gravity, Hoop players run horizontally
along near-vertical cliff faces tethered to top of the cliff
by holding a thick bungee cord. They push a large Metallic
Hula Hoop called the 'Gamble'. Players use a regulation
sized bow staff and try to push the Gamble along the cliff
wall with them as they repel.
Completion is done in time trials with the fastest time
down winning.
Not for the weak of constitution, this sport is known for
breaking the legs and dislocating the shoulders of foolhardy
participants. It is a game that takes both physical and
mental dexterity. Woodsy spent his days and nights playing
the game. He found a reason for living in the sport and
soon became a formidable opponent.
In the late summer of 1999, The Axis of Stevil in conjuncture
with Nukkalodean hosted the 2nd annual "Blood and GutzFests;
An all day alt Rock Extreme sport fest with the main event
being a twenty country battle for the title "Champion
of the Agro-Slab'. Woodsy the Owl went undefeated for 23
rounds playing for 20 hours straight, a feat that has never
been seen before or since. This raw display of talent and
determination captivated audiences around the world catapulting
Woodsy and the Extreme Hoop to national notoriety. Sadly
Woodsy’s fame was short lived, and quickly overshadowed
by Tony Hawk doing a 900 on a skateboard. Skateboarding
became the intrinsic identifier of extreme sports and Extreme
Hoop was left to a loyal but smaller niche audience.
Check out the festival August 28th on ESPN 8 The Ocho
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PORTE2PORTE
Porte2Porte
debuts a new idea for high-class food at low prices. High
quality Tuna Filets and Black Angus Beef steaks are yours
for 5.99 at Porte 2 Porte. The one catch is that while you
eat you will be subject to pop up ads. Between your appetizer
and main course, you will be subject to pitches by vacuum
salesmen, Girl Scout troops and Vector knives sales men.
All hoping to convince you that you want to add on to the
cost of your meal an introductory installment of 19.95;
“If you act now you’ll desert will be free”.
If you can resists these temptations and stand the annoyance
of it all you can eat filet mignon, at chik-fila prices.
Look for More Ad-Aware restaurants and eateries coming to
your area soon.
[Discuss]
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