BELOVED FISH
TYCOON DIES
Arthur
T Watercrest, the greatest known trout investor, has died.
The industry baron was found fried, filleted and covered
in mayonnaise in a South Littleton Red Lobster. Had wait
staff not noticed the deep fried remains of his monocle,
the plutocrat fish surely would have been eaten. What
is left of the body has been returned to the Watercrest
Estate. A crowd of 2000+ guests is expected to be in attendance
at tonight’s memorial service of the world’s
greatest fish.
Rising from The Clearwater Orphanage and Hatchery, Arthur
Tiberius Watercrest was given nothing in this world. At
the tender age of two, he made the leap out of his hatchery
and into the work force. If you are unfamiliar with the
life of this proud fish, you might think it impossible!
No normal fish could hold down a job, not even at McDonalds.
Defying the odds, Arthur acquired a small bank loan and
opened his first of many businesses: "Clearwater
Coin Laundry and Mulch"; a unique hybrid of lawn
and laundry care that revolutionized on-demand mulch delivery.
His success did not stop there.
By franchising his mulch services, Watercrest had resources
to invest in other interests. Seeing a niche within the
fashion community, he developed his own line of pro fish
clothing.
Emblazoned with "Trout Have Clout", BFFF Wear
appealed to a young, loyal demographic of fish and human
alike, who appreciated the idea of By Fish For Fish. As
the first boastful Osteichthye voice ever heard, Watercrest
shirts are blamed for inciting riots in port cities and
fish markets around the world. Disenfranchised gilled
creatures became fed up with corporate America who, until
BFFF, had never acknowledged their existence beyond the
aquarium as consumers. Water creatures soon started demanding
handicapped tributaries to navigate around, once inaccessible,
land dwellings like the mall.
Watercrest's death has been ruled accidental. Stopping
off at a red lobster to use the bathroom, Arthur was mistaken
as a misplaced food delivery by Sioux Chef Estaban Vandasay.
Ignoring his ability to talk, Vandasay fried the millionaire
fish in a tangy Jamaican batter. Though he is gone, his
spirit remains as the guiding light for marine equality
and activism.
