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THE TOOTH IS LOOSE
To
celebrate the 4th Annual Beaville Downtown Festival, a statue
of a silver beaver will be unveiled at Flanagan Park. The
section of Flanagan Park from 3rd street to the river is
being renamed to "The Shrine of the Silver Beaver"
in remembrance to one of Beaville's most tremendous residents.
During a heated murder trial, Silver "Sam" Beaver
was found not guilty for the murder of Judith Heart. Subsequent
appeals, court decisions, and amici curiae briefs have made
it virtually impossible to convict a beaver for murder.
Beaville, with a community beaver population close to 47%,
has dedicated this year's Downtown Festival to Silver Sam
Beaver, and many other esteemed beavers. The Beaver statue
is part of Beaville's continuing mission to improve and
revitalize Downtown Park.
Born under a full moon, Silver Beaver was the second of
the three mineral beaver offspring. Mirya Mineral Beaver
and Smithy Mineral Beaver named their beaver offspring after
the Olympic medals when Gold 'Greta' Beaver was born at
the Naganoe Winter Olympics during the opening ceremony.
Mirya who was there skiing for Ecuador, caused a major roadblock
in the parade line with her contractions. Though she never
got to ski, Mirya is the only Ecuadorian to ever come home
with gold from the Winter Olympics! The Minerals continued
the naming convention with their next two children Silver
'Sam' Beaver and Bronze 'Barnaby' Beaver . . .
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ASK
STEVIL
Responses
Do
the little ridges on Solo plastic cups serve any
purpose?
Peter,
Dallas.
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Dear Texas Pete,
The
ridges you find on your run of the mill plastic cup
most certainly have a function. The
Solo Cup Company was established in 1936. On December
18th, 1936, the very first panda bear was brought
to the United States. As you may know, pandas do not
cope with jet-lag very well. Once it was released
into its new habitat, the panda was relentless towards
all zoological staff. Nothing could cope this savage
beast.
The
patrons were not pleased with the new animal and begin
to throw trash at the panda. One audience member just
so happened to hurl a scrunched plastic cup, which
hit the panda directly in-between his eyes, and fell
into the panda's paws. He examined the cup and then
gently scratched the side of the cup with his claw,
back and forth. The sound that this created made the
once-boisterous brute into a docile dandelion. Every
night, the panda would scratch the edges of the plastic
cup and lull itself to sleep.
From
that day forward, the Solo Cup Company featured ridges
along the side of every plastic cup, just in case
there came about another disgruntled panda.
Regards,
The Axis of Stevil |
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LANGUAGE
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A DECLARATION OF WAR
T
here are two worlds, one of virtue and truth where rights
to property exist, children can be free, to enjoy well-balanced
breakfasts and have matching day of the week socks; and
one of blackness and despair where heartless men rule and
people walk around uncolor-coordinated. Bound by a tendency
of malice, they forever oppose all that is free and true.
One world can stay, one must go! There comes a time when
a people must stand for what they believe in! That time
has come; we have declared war with the sock goblins!
Consider for a moment that the enemy, R. Murdock, is the
acting Demi-God of Evil, and is the high commander and spiritual
leader to the world's population of warlocks, goblins and
newscorp. Then consider, he has trained the evil villains
of this world to cause harm, malice and disruptions to consumer
goods whenever possible. Sock Goblins, the most well known
of Murdock's Empire, have assaulted good people everywhere
for the last 120 years.
Appearing in 1885, it is believed the Sock Goblin was released
into northwest Manitoba to quell the Stevil uprising by
lowering morale. The creature finds sustenance from devouring
other socks, feeding on its life force and leaving sock
owners cold-ankled and miserable. Sock Goblins are clever
creatures; they hide in plain sight, disguised like a demonic
chameleon. A "wolf in sock clothing", they strike where
a sock is most vulnerable; in the dryer. The Murdock Empire
employs these terrors to keep a population in a state of
constant consumption, buying new socks, fueling the machines
of war, growing the empire; bigger, stronger, more prepared
to strike!
In a world of virtue, respect is given to the most sanctimonious
times of a sock's life; the warm period of rest when the
dryer has just finished. Garments do not live in fear, in
a land governed by free men. When socks match, people have
a higher potential to do amazing things. In the land of
matching socks there are white picket fences and strong
gin; beings living happy and free from the bounds of constantly
having to restock their consumer goods. Never worried of
reaching a drawer with one navy blue sock and one black
sock, we brave men and women must defend all that humanity
means to be, and crush the sock menace!
It has come to it; the world of darkness must be destroyed.
Should you see a Sock Goblin, don't hesitate, you know what
to do! Sock Goblins could swallow any garment you love in
a second!
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UPDATED!
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SPEED
OF GROUND
12.05.05
Fullsize
[
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WHO
IS SYLAS:
Johnathan Loos - Guitar/Vocals
Charlie Monger - Bass
Tanner Manship - Drums
Out of Davie County, NC, these three have been a band
for quite some time. Recently premiered their latest
CD at Ziggy's in Winston-Salem. |
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